My Life in a Blender

Anglophone hipsters living in Canada supposedly speak the same language as their youthful American counterparts. Canadian lingo, however, can turn the conversation into a comedy of misunderstanding, even when two speakers just live a few miles away from each other. If you want to blend in with Canada’s hipsters, then you’re going to need a quick lesson in their lingo, so make sure you do some research by visiting canada 411 and read this article for some quick and helpful tips.

Lesson #1: That keener brought a two-four and a mickey to the party, and he’s on pogey!

Let’s break this sentence down into individual elements so that English speakers around the world can make some sense of it.

Keener: In the U.S., you might call a “keener” a brown-noser or a suck-up. He goes out of his way to appeal to someone, but he isn’t doing it just because he’s a nice guy. He’s doing it to earn the favor of someone with higher status than him (such as a teacher, a cute girl, or the lead singer of Bare Naked Ladies). A bit of a phony, most people can spot the keener easily, and they dislike him for not being sincere. Still, they’re willing to accept his unrequested gifts, so the keener serves a somewhat useful function.

Two-four: This one’s simply. It’s a 24-pack of beer, specifically bottles of beer.

Mickey: This one’s a little harder to understand. In the U.S., someone “slips you a Mickey” when they put a drug, such as Rohypnol, in your drink without your knowledge. In Canada, though, a Mickey is a 13 oz bottle of booze such as whiskey or vodka. OK, it’s a 375 ml bottle in Canada because they use metric, but whatever. It’s the same size.

On pogey: When someone is “on pogey,” they’re getting welfare checks from the government. This doesn’t count if you’re getting an “art stipend” or something similar from the gov. It’s not good to be on pogey because you’re not pulling your weight. If, however, you’re like the guys  from Vice magazine (who started their uber-hipster magazine with a federal grant in Canada before moving to Hipster Central, Brooklyn, New York), then you’re not on pogey. You’re just awesome. The difference is sometimes quite obscure.

Putting it all together: That suck-up brought a 24-pack of beer and a 13 oz bottle of liquor to the party, and he’s on welfare!

Lesson #2: We had a supply teacher and Jim was giving his tutorial yesterday, so I skipped morning class to hang out on my chesterfield with a glass of homo milk while I fed my Molson muscle.

Again, let’s start by breaking this Canadian slang into each element.

Supply teacher: A supply teacher is a substitute teacher. They conduct class when the regular teacher is away from the school because of sickness or personal business. Like in the U.S., students often skip the supply teacher’s class because they manage to convince themselves that the class doesn’t matter and that there aren’t any repercussions.

Tutorial: This is what American students might call a “recitation” or “presentation.” It’s when a student gets in front of class and presents information on a research topic. Again, a lot of hipster students convince themselves that they can skip school when their classmates give recitations so that they can smoke expensive cigarettes and make ironic jokes about how pointless school is.

Chesterfield: A chesterfield is what most people would call a couch. You have to note the context with this one since the word “chesterfield” can refer to numerous things around the world including a cigarette, a coat, an indie band based in England, and numerous cities/districts around the world.

Homo milk: Get your mind out of the gutter. Homo milk means whole milk.

Molson muscle: Refers to the “get your mind out of the gutter” statement above. A Molson muscle is a beer gut, AKA beer belly. Molson is a popular type of beer in Canada; people who drink a lot of this high-calorie beverage tend to get pot bellies. No one likes to be called fat, though, so you just refer to your gut as a Molson muscle. Workouts usually involve much less sweating than going to the gym and you can grow the Molson muscle to epic sizes by doing little more than watching TV and getting drunk all day.

Putting it all together:  We had a substitute teacher and Jim was giving a presentation yesterday, so I skipped morning class to hang out on my couch with a glass of whole milk while I worked on my gut.

Lesson #3: The diner was having a special on tourtiere, Nanaimo bars, and poutine, so I grabbed my toque and braved the snow, but they only had butter tart and beavertail when I got there.

Yum! A delicious treat for any Canadian. Well, worth braving the storm!

Tourtiere: A meat pie made in Canada typically made from beef, pork, or veal. It’s a popular dish served during the Christmas holiday. It’s the Canadian equivalent of a shepherd’s pie.

Nanaimo bars: A rich dessert with a three layers: a brownie on the bottom, a thick layer of icing, and a brownie on top. It’s immensely popular. Delicious!

Poutine: Americans often shirk at the very idea, but poutine is a dish that combines French fries, cheese curds, and gravy. If you think that sounds disgusting, then you’ve obviously never had it. Poutine is a rich treat that you shouldn’t eat on a regular basis. Imagine a KFC Famous Bowl with French fries instead of mashed potatoes and you’ve pretty much got the right idea.

Toque: Toques get called many things all over the world. Whether you call them toboggans, sock caps, or stocking caps, they are wool hats worn in the winter to protect from the bitter northern winds.

Butter tart: A butter tart is kind of like a small pecan pie, except that it is baked as a tart instead of a pie.

Beavertail: Americans have bear claws. Canadians have beavertails. Beavertails are fried pastries that kind of look like the tail of beaver.

Putting it all together: Canada is delicious, but it’s cold, so take a hat with you.

The Concluding Lesson

Now that you have brushed up on your Canadian lingo, you can blend in with the most northern of hipsters. Remember that the comedy duo Maclean and Maclean is hilarious if you’re into fart jokes; David Wilcox is not the folk singer from America, but rather the Canadian guitarist and poet; and you knew about Broken Social Scene way before they started selling out stadiums around the world.